I wanted to live alone so I could walk around naked and whenever I wanted - Season 3 - Episode 34
Contrapoints, performative allyship, Oxford Commas, and drag dressing rooms - Season 3 - Episode 33
A bit about the Friendzone
This journey is never a dull one with this nerdy weirdo by my side.
I wanted to express a story only few you have heard. . . It’s also gonna seem problematic to others but I think it fits for many scenarios.
There was a time when Addam and I started dating where we both were just . . . Not into it. We met at a Olive Garden and Addam told me he was just not feeling it and I remember at the time that every fiber of my being was saying, “this is just a friendship”. Literally the definition of a friend zone.
Addam explained that he expected to feel butterflies and he didn’t feel those. I was expecting to feel an instant connection, lust, and butterflies and I didn’t. I remember the next day Addam actually told me he was planning on breaking up with me but we all had such a fun night out that he decided to not go through with it.
I literally kept telling myself it didn’t feel right. This wasn’t how it was supposed to feel. It should be more passionate. It should be more fulfilling. I actually started telling myself, “well, at least I gave it a shot and when we break up, it will have been an experience”.
I had other potentials that I was more passionate about. We all want the fire you see in “The Notebook”.
But. . . I pushed forward with Addam. . .even though my heart didn’t feel it. . . (And here’s the problematic part)
I decided that I wanted to be with the person who treated me well because I OBVIOUSLY dated for the immediate emotional attraction and got abused. I decided to push forward with the nice guy. I decided to push forward with the one who was there for me. I decided to push forward with the guy who would do anything for me. I decided to push forward with the guy who was way out of my league. . . All to just see what would happen if I dated the guy who was good for me and most often would be seen as just a friend even though my heart wanted something with more fire.
Fact is - you can’t trust your heart. Not really. It wants what it wants and that often times can lead to being with people who are SUPER not good for you. My heart had lied to me. So I listened to my mind.
Want to know what I learned? My heart wouldn’t accept Addam because I convinced myself I didn’t deserve the kind of love he could give me so my heart walled itself off to the possibility of true love from someone who would actually treat me the way I’d always wanted.
Sometimes your heart can protect you from heartbreak so vigorously that you miss out on love.
The second I realized my trauma and negative thoughts were keeping me from being happy, I decided to open the key to my heart just a little to see what would happen
And dear god. . .I loved that boy harder and greater with all the fire and passion than I expected. I was just to afraid to let someone in again. Every doubt faded. Every thought was consumed with how attracted I was to him. Every waking hour of every minute of every day became FOR him and I was drowning in him.
To this day, I burn for him and everything that he is to me. My passion for him never ceases. I married my best friend but it turns out that my best friend and the love of my life were one in the same. I’m glad for the journey, and the countless future ones.
So yeah. Sometimes the love of your life is the person standing next to you and sometimes you heart is keeping you from seeing it.
Join Coco Jem Holiday as she heals from trauma through drag and life.
Coco Jem Holiday: